Yesterday was filled with lessons. I was with my friend and it started roughly but turned out to be a great night.
Earth teaches us many things...she teaches us how to let go, how to grow and stand tall, how to be strong and to nurture and believe in others so they too can contribute....
Today, I'm sitting at a table, comfortable in the nice space provided to me at an intentional community, 34 miles from town, still in Tucson but no city lights in sight, only sand and plants, animals and a handful of people. My neighbors, in tiny homes, busses and trailers. I stare out the window at the trees to my right that seem to smile, assuring me that I am not alone, welcoming me back home. Feeling thankful, sinking even deeper into the couch, I smile back sending a thought, 'I come in peace'. I'll be here for a few days to recharge and spend time with some friends.
As I start to type this article, the sun is setting. Jazz is playing on the radio, Beyond The Sea by Bobby Darin... this song definitely sets the mood.
I'm thinking back to last night. I was walking with my friend on 4th ave, listening to them recall their fustrations, including being disrespected by so many people here in Tucson.
The moon and stars are now what lights up the sky. All I can really see is a reflection of what's inside.
So the story continues near Mr. Heads. Seeing my friend in just a sleeveless shirt, no jacket, a guy asked "Aren't you cold?" My friend got angry and shouted that the person wasn't close enough to them to speak in that way and that the guy was being disrespectful. I tried to explain that the guy was probably only joking or it was probably an innocent question (at least I thought he was, or rather, how do we know the guy's intent?) but that seemed to just lead deep into a hole of darkness and fustration was directed at me. It was intense. I was agitated.
I was trying to help lighten the situation, to fill a hole. I felt there was no need for my friend to raise their voice at the guy. There was so much resentment.
Don't try to fill someone's hole with your own stuff.
Earlier today, I stared at this hole in front of me thinking, if I filled it I would be blocking a creature's entry or exit point. All my realizations from last night made me more aware, seeing things in a new light.
So, it had finally dawned on me while both of us were in a sour mood, I was reaching inside myself and was pushing my process of breathe, Just let it go, on my friend because I felt that's how they could get out of their stupor.... to fill the hole...
There's the hole and then there's the whole, which do I focus on?
I would always tell myself, Let it go. Let it go, when someone laughs about the way I look and the way I am. That is my process. I meditate, I work on forgiveness and honestly I mostly stick to people I know or friends of friends. I try to help my friends know that everything will be ok and I'm there for them. That they don't need to stress about what strangers say or think. However, there are those like my friend who want to stand up face to face with people who try to push them down with verbal or physical abuse and tell them they are wrong.
I had a bully in junior high school, they physically pushed me down, I was near the stair, that could have been it for me and I remember telling him, "when you're an adult you'll regret this very moment" but the bullying continued to near rape and I learned to just let it go and believed that when I got older I'd be untouchable. As an adult, I still dealt with discrimination and verbal abuse. My reaction was the same. Don't react, let it go.
Last night something shifted in me. A higher awareness.
After the realization that I didn't really put much effort into being heard, I started to look at my friend in their entirety, a person I've known for many years. Someone who is honest, strong and a sensitive beautiful human. They're certainly unique and speak their thoughts out loud for everyone to hear, often using vulgar language. They feel a lot of the people in Tucson and around the world are filled with hate, there are many people mistreating others and those people need to f'ing grow up! I could feel how much it affected my friend. I felt it in waves.
They were voicing their thoughts very loudly that night on 4th ave. Their voice being heard, that is their process and mission.
Yes, we need to Speak Up or the same people will continue to be a hindrance to others instead of contributing to growth and togetherness. It is a lesson learned and there is gratitude because we have a strength, mental fortitude like never before.
I reminded my friend that we must also have spiritual fortitude. The resentment they feel, that anger by itself and standing up to their oppressors with a powerful voice heard by hundreds and thousands wouldn't lead to change. That when they're ready, to let go and forgive. Most definitely let your voice be heard loud and clear for all to hear (something I vow to do from now on - the powerful wind blowing tonight as my witness) but also let love be your present to them, let love be your now. Believe in the ones you stand up and face, believe that they can do better, that they too can contribute to making this world a better place. Don't give up and don't surrender to resentment and hate. We are the future, no matter if we're 5 or 50 years old. No matter our past.
The night ended well. We did the best friends fist bump. We kept going on and on about the changes that need to happen, my friend loud as heck and I not judging them for that. We continued to have a heated debate, anyone would think we were a couple arguing but this time I was present with my friend, sharing a moment with them and loving the connection we share, no longer agitated. I told my friend how proud I am of them for speaking their truth and that I love them.
Forgive, Let go, Let Love Be Your Present and Speak Up!
BiGender – transmale/lesbian (Pronoun he/him) 34 y/o. Born Dec 23rd – Sag/Capricorn cusp. Dating Tucsonian women+NBs 🏳️🌈. Connecting with people from all walks of life. I enjoy everything community-related, nature, music, art & food. I love feeling the buzz of Love & Life in Tucson! #BLM #BidenHarris